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Clockwork Moskva




По поступившим просьбам выкладываю изначальный вариант статьи для Moscow News

Clockwork Moskva

Bored of glamorous Moskva life? It is time to viddy some crazy things and feel the city! There is always a possibility to do it especially in this bezoomny old gorod. First and foremost drop somewhere near Gorky park, pick up your droogs and go ahead for some real horrorshow things.

Tough luck if you have not been to Museon, a big open air museum of old monuments and sculptures and a krutoy place to spend an hour or two wandering and wondering. Museon is some sort of a crazy place incorporating soviet-style tovarish pathos, contemporary sculpture trends and krasivy landscape designs. Do not miss pigmy Yuri Dolgoruki standing at the corner of concrete art gallery building, the statue is a small replica of the famous monument in Tveskaya Ulitsa. Strange but true, the allegedly Russki to the bone founder of Moskva is actually half-blooded English Prince being the son of Kiev Veliki Knyaz Vladimir II Monomakh and Gytha of Wessex and the grandson of the last Anglo-Saxon King on England Harold II killed in the battle of Hastings, 1066. Oh, History, your name is paradox! However, poidem ahead!

At the very vhod to Museon you are welcomed by a huge stainless steel USSR emblem saying SSSR, a Bulwark of Peace which used to hang in Leninsky prospect, but then thrown down from its pedestal. The emblem is accompanied by a row of Soviet leaders’ busts and monuments. This concentrated Soviet propaganda reserve proudly presents glamorously shining Lenin and Marx, stary Brezhnev (both old and bedecked with Hero stars), noseless Stalin which gives him a slightly syphilitic look and many others. The appalling installation called the Gulag consisting of a pile of golovas behind the bars is really something like Wailing Wall having the same strength in impression. Another must-see is Mikhail Kalinin, the so-called Soviet monitor of the Stalin era, still sitting and watching Moskva from his armchair. Some lucky ones managed to take photos on his lap. The other notorious figure here is Felix Dzerzhinsky, the creator and the first head of Cheka which evolved later into KGB. The monument used to dominate Lubyanka ploshad, was brought down by the crowd in 1991 and now takes a peaceful and modest stance among trees looking as if trying to hide itself and asking to leave it alone. The park is full of bezoomny contemporary sculptures like crooked stary muzhchina, famous classics in contemporary vision, Buratino (russki version of Pinocchio) and many others, but has a unique calm atmosphere of a small place in the centre of bolshoi megapolis.

You cannot miss Peter the Great overlooking the place from the artificial river island, the monument which is actually not the part of the park, but fits perfectly horrorshow into the concept. Vnimanie! This monument can provoke highly sensitive people to have uncontrolled fits of bezoomny panic attacks. My Fellow-Amerikantsy, you must forever be happy to have this violent monument in Moskva because its initial designation of the monster was to become a present for America as a monument to Christopher Columbus. Unfortunately for Moskva the present was unanimously rejected, afterwards its golova was cut off and replaced with the one of Peter the Great, now all this standing in the center of Moskva still in Spanish Columbian dress and being one of the top 10 largest statues in the world.

Not far from Museon you can viddy another cruel example of out bezoomny time, a utopian Copernicus Dom. It is not the matter of cruel architecture it is a matter of the concept. If you are swelling rich yuppie computer geek that is really your place with the best hotel service in a dwelling house filled with a bunch of, as said, intelligent house software. Hope it is neither Microsoft (Your room has performed an illegal operation and will be closed) nor Apple (ok, ok! I will let you out… for a buck). As the developer stated the house is an elitny dom for the third millennium man who is used to speak with things in their own yazik. Oh, brave new world!

Let now cross the river, pass by a massive grey building with a domed cinema which used to be an elitny Soviet condominium for communist bigwigs and other VIPers (however, not so venomous like the first ones). Cross a bolshoi ulitsa under the nearest bridge and here you are in Bolotnaya ploshad with Mikhail Shemyakin’s surreal and grotesque sculptures called Children, the Victims of Adult Vices. The statues are no less bezoomny than the best works in Museon. However, the essence of this huge installation is not in statues of vices, unintentionally local authorities made a better work than Shemyakin could have imagined. The sculptures are surrounded by a tall fence and guarded by several militia officers, access to sculptors is limited. Vices are still strictly guarded by the society they exist in leaving small malchik and devochka alone to face them behind the fence.

Have a walk towards the other side of the island and enjoy the sight of the Kreml through the rundown small doms lining the quay and presenting a horrorshow picture of both imperial prosperity and poverty. Being the largest castle in the world according to Guinness Book the Kreml itself is a peculiar fusion of Russki style in Italian dress (Kreml was originally build by Italian architects, see castles of Verona and Milan). Before visiting Red Square just have a look at Balchug Hotel, a yellow dom with a small tower near a bridge. One of the most expensive hotels in Moskva bears the name which was historically derived from tatar “balchuk” meaning dirt or swamp. Cross the river and enjoy bumpy Krasnya ploshad with a mummy and cemetery on one side and shopping mall on the other. Your Humble Narrator leaves you dumat here.



Tags: moscow news
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